Scrolling through the ABC’s articles on parenting I can see that having children and raising a family is a very, very bad idea. “Postnatal depression, incontinence, body image issues — the bombshells of motherhood” reads one title, immediately spelling out the horrific consequences of reproduction. Mothers have nothing to look forward to but hair loss, stretch-marks, self-harm and urine-soaked underpants.

It is no wonder so many mums end up regretting the ordeal. “Scratching beneath the surface of motherhood regret” tells the harrowing stories of mothers brave enough to say they wish they had never conceived their burdensome offspring only to be met by the scornful reactions of a public which just doesn’t understand the problem. And that problem, of course, is that Mothers do it alone.

The ABC loves to chronicle the lives of those mums who juggle a busy professional life while raising children, and pointing out that in spite of more and more women joining the workforce, they still get stuck with the bulk of the housework.

This could not possibly be because men are more likely to dislike or are less suited to household chores, and it certainly could not suggest that women should perhaps consider working less in order to devote time to positively shaping children’s lives. Oh no, in the event that you are unfortunate enough to have pumped out a unit, the ABC recommends that dads stay home from work instead. Gender is a social construct after all; mums and dads alike are just as likely to excel in whatever they put their minds to.

But still, having a dad is not necessary. We also find the inspiring stories of single mums who get knocked-up from Tinder encounters only to have Mr Right bugger off. The author quotes the CEO of the National Council of Single Mothers and the Children: “All power to them.” Single motherhood may be correlated with crime and dysfunction, but we can’t lose sight of the fact that these liberated souls are simply “amazing mums.”

So ladies, if you can help it don’t have kids, but if for some strange reason you still think it’s what you want then you might as well start as soon as possible by swiping right for a root-and-boot, and if dad sticks around send him straight to the kitchen. But how should you actually raise the child? Again, the ABC provides priceless wisdom.

Whatever you do, do not be so bigoted as to affirm your child’s biological gender. We know that young children are wise enough to know that they were born in the wrong body, told in moving stories like that of a mother raising identical twins; one male and the other female. The "girl" faced awful barriers to “completing her journey,” with regulations stifling attempts to pump her full of hormones and mutilate her body.

To follow the ABC’s ideals would mean a rosy future indeed. We will burden our precious planet with less children, and the few we do have will be liberated from the shackles of hetero-normativity and gender conformism. And with our complexion growing ever darker, our population can be kept under further control when our children’s non-binary and chemical-laden bodies are thrown from rooftops by those who enrich us.